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Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Off topic, any topic..
It’s really hot outside…Yet I feel pretty good today, smiling for no reason and all. I couldn’t explain why I feel like that, especially now, when the general state of things is kind of bad, but who cares anymore? “When you worry, you’ll make it double”, right? So everything seems beautiful for me although it isn’t.

I haven’t done much these days, just hanging around, waiting for the time to pass, hoping to find my place in the Bucharest working world and really wanting to get out of this office and out of the company for good! I am a pretty weird person. I can pretty much put up with a huge mess better than any other employee, but when I’ve had it, there’s absolutely no way of convincing me to change my mind.

A friend of mine asked for more photos of me. So last night I searched through my computer. And realized that the best photos I have (pictures in which I actually look happy and like having a great time) are all very recent. All the ET period is either missing (I have lots of pictures with people that were kind of close to the group) or showing a pretty upset little me. And a large number of hair colors! Weird!

I also looked at all the photos taken last year, at the seaside, and I felt this anger growing inside me. Those pictures will always be there to show me how stupid I was during that period.

Then the McDonald’s Christmas party that my company (read recently promoted marketing officer here) organized for about 60 orphans. The happy company family! The faces of those children who were completely mesmerized with the Asian features of our Malaysian bosses… And among those, a quick appearance of Mr. Completely Wrong for Me (another pretty stupid period of my life!). It all seems so far away, IT, last Christmas, my black outfit only period last winter (pretty depressed, stupid again!), the friends I lost, the friends I made afterwards, the friends I rediscovered… A lot has happened since last summer, all for the better.

The conclusion? I am really cured, I can actually listen to “When I need you” and enjoy the song and not think of you…Nothing lasts forever, not even the deepest pain…We always move on.

Actually I could sense this idea in a movie I saw a few days ago: Tango. Women abandoning men; men fantasizing about killing the women; all of them moving on in the end…

Your new found happiness is probably the misery of someone else…But you should not think of that, you should just enjoy it every step of the way, until it becomes your misery and the happiness of another…Your pain is just like acting, anyway!

I feel any little emotion with the intensity of a writer, an artist, I might as well act like a real writer in what actual writing is concerned! I did start writing again, and I actually had two quite productive sessions. It is about taking a different path in the given circumstances. I am actually rewriting the course of my life since the spring of 2004. Taking the paths that I now consider might have been better, easier, safer…

But remember this: the real me, the strong me, is the one who had the courage to take the roughest, dangerous, amazing way every time, who has made all the possible mistakes (trusting people included) and could still find the strength to accept them and move on.
posted by Alina @ 3:40 PM  
20 Comments:
  • At 7/27/2005 6:17 PM, Blogger haal said…

    Interesting post. Light indeed.

     
  • At 7/27/2005 9:02 PM, Blogger Alina said…

    "Light indeed" - would you like to develop a bit, Haal?

     
  • At 7/27/2005 9:57 PM, Anonymous Calliani said…

    A strong post from a strong girl...

     
  • At 7/28/2005 12:08 AM, Blogger MoonLightShadow said…

    Was doing the same thing today. I was searching my computer for my pictures. I had no particular reason, but felt that I need to recall these events once again. To know that there are good moments that I spent, and to know that these other moments that wasn’t ok, just passed, and life goes on.

     
  • At 7/28/2005 6:37 AM, Blogger Shirazi said…

    Nice post but how you say trusting people is a mistake? Is it?

     
  • At 7/28/2005 10:49 AM, Blogger Alina said…

    Calliani, I'm not always as strong as people think! Just most of the times :))

    Moon, I think it's a good therapy from time to time.

    Shirazi, it might be a mistake when you trust people who do not deserve your trust. Which happens in most cases...the rest are the exceptions we talked about :).
    Actually, the wrong part about my trusting people is that I give them my full trust from the start (something like the being considered not guilty and others having to prove you are...) and a lot of those I trust end up by disappointing me (men mostly :)). It is not a mistake, if you can get over being disappointed.

     
  • At 7/28/2005 11:08 AM, Blogger Sarah said…

    Well Kayla, It seems that looking at the prevoious periods of our lives always seems to make us think about how we were. I remember sometimes pretty funny situaions that makes me crack with laughter and yet my heart aches afterwards for not being there antmore. whose fault is it? what went wrong? Are unanswered questions that will never cease to end until we die.

    You are strong, and unique and you know it, I know it from your words which shows the inside what is in your soul.your reflections, and thoughts.
    Live. Live your life and enjoy it with or without mistakes. C'est la vie I guess.
    Sorry for raving. you know me talk, talk, talk.

     
  • At 7/28/2005 12:12 PM, Blogger Alina said…

    No reason to say sorry, Jade! Actually, your comment put a big smile on my face!

     
  • At 7/28/2005 9:17 PM, Blogger doshar said…

    it is always refreshing to look back at a dark part of your life and see that you have moved on. and you are ok

    it gives you the sense of freedom, strength and knowledge that nothing can break you, even if you thought so at the time. next time anything happens God forbid, that scares you, you can say: i will get through this too. it is true, what doesn't kill us does make us stronger.

    i am happy for you.

     
  • At 7/29/2005 12:02 PM, Blogger Alina said…

    Yeah, it kind of seems less dark when you've moved on, doesn't it? And becoming a bit stronger is never a bad thing!

     
  • At 8/01/2005 11:15 AM, Blogger Rain said…

    “When you worry, you’ll make it double”
    such a positive attitude.....I like to keep it for long..keep it up :)

     
  • At 8/01/2005 12:02 PM, Blogger Alina said…

    Yes, Rain, it is a great attitude. The hard part is about managing to keep it up for a long time!

     
  • At 8/03/2005 11:57 AM, Anonymous ET said…

    Hello little one. Took you quite a while, but you're finally there. You seem to have come a long way since last summer. You weren't you back then. The real you was buried deep down somewhere. I'm really glad to hear all of this. "Your new found ....... anyway!" ... intriguing. Care to develop the last sentence?

    P.S. That song is still yours. The thing that changed was the way I think about you when I listen to it.

     
  • At 8/03/2005 12:07 PM, Blogger Alina said…

    The real me wasn't buried that deep! I forgave, true, didn't forget! You still acted like shit!

    What do you mean by the last sentence? Which part don't you get?

     
  • At 8/03/2005 12:26 PM, Anonymous ET said…

    I never said I didn't act like you say. No need to get agressive. As to my question... nevermind. I wish u well. Ciao

     
  • At 8/03/2005 12:30 PM, Blogger Alina said…

    I didn't act agressive! It's just me, the real me that u said is so much better! :))

    Really, what more did you want to know? About the novel? Yeah, I am keeping real names and real facts, i am just changing my choices. About the stronger me? It's really easy to be strong where your strenghts is not challanged!

     
  • At 8/04/2005 7:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    you say you are strong...are you really that strong? you are deceiving yourself bec you wouldn't mind staying in the same room with ET if you are over it. lair lair

     
  • At 8/05/2005 11:49 AM, Blogger Alina said…

    Anonymous, I am just a little silly girl whose capacity of understanding the ways of the world is in no way comparable to yours, oh, mighty all-knowing…
    But who told you I would mind sitting in the same room with him? I wouldn’t mind, would just rather not do that…Because I have so little time that I cannot afford to waste on people who let me down, disappointed me and are not important anymore! What we had was indeed beautiful at times, but it’s now over. We didn’t stay friends, we will never be friends, so why be in the same room with him? I never met him accidentally and run away, you know?

     
  • At 8/05/2005 11:50 AM, Blogger Alina said…

    BTW, were you trying to call me a "liar"? If not, what has a lair have to do with me?

     
  • At 8/05/2005 11:51 AM, Blogger Alina said…

    Oh, and I do hope you can take some really acid sarcasm/irony and still come back to read this! :)

     
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Name: Alina
Home: Bucharest, Bucharest, Romania
About Me: "This is my church. This is where I heal my hurts". It's also where I feel free and my preferred means of expression.
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