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Thursday, November 16, 2006
Greatly Wrong Expectations
Ryan posted a comment on a previous post yesterday. It was about someone’s status message, a quote from a Holograf song. It said “It happens once, than you spend your whole life searching for it”. And my first reaction was, in the Two Stupid Dogs pattern: “Isn’t that cute, but it’s wrong!” Is it? After thinking about it a little more, and not judging by my first subjective reaction, my take on this changed drastically.

Everything that happens for the first time sets a pattern. It creates a “should be” concept that we then expect to repeat itself and try to apply it to subsequent happenings. The first relationship sets the standards for relationships in general, for example.

Why is that so wrong? Well, given the fact that we advertise our uniqueness so aggressively, being in contact with different individuals can hardly lead to the same type of reactions/answers/behavior and so on. Other than the always mentioned uniqueness, there are also circumstances which have this bad habit of changing at a fast pace.

But we come, in any situation, with our own set of expectations, kidding ourselves with a will to adapt. To be able to adapt to something, you have to agree it is new and that nothing already know to you is applicable. But you have that whole bunch of “should be-s” with you? What are you supposed to do? Give up on them? Change everything again and again? That’s revolting!

Yes, humans speak of adapting to anything, but they limit adaptation techniques as much as possible. Thus we end-up living in afterglows of situations put on a high pedestal that our mind also alters to the best possibility.

The past is gone, we say, yet we choose to linger on as much as possible. When we should simply sake it off, move on and wait for the new stage to take place. With no should have and would have attitudes. Otherwise we allow ourselves to be deceived by our own greatly wrong expectations and pass by what is really there for us to experience.

So I leave you to today’s song (INXS – Afterglow), reminding you of what NOT to do for too long:

Here I am, lost in the light of the moon that comes through my window
Bathed in blue, the walls of my memory divides the thorns from the roses
It's you and the roses

Touch me and I will follow in your afterglow
Heal me from all this sorrow
As I let you go I will find my way when I see your eyes
Now I'm living in your afterglow

Here I am, lost in the ashes of time, but who owns tomorrow?
In between the longing to hold you again
I'm caught in your shadow, I'm losing control
My mind drifts away, we only have today

Touch me and I will follow in your afterglow
Heal me from all this sorrow
As I let you go I will find my way
I will sacrifice 'til the blinding day when I see your eyes
Now I'm living in your afterglow

When the veils are gone, as I let you go, as I let you go

Touch me and I will follow in your afterglow
Heal me from all this sorrow
As I let you go I will find my way, I will sacrifice
Now I'm living in your afterglow

Bathed in blue, the walls of my memory divides the thorns from the roses
It's you who is closest

posted by Alina @ 9:46 AM  
  • At 11/16/2006 1:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Remember what we've discussed on Tuesday? I was telling you that regardless of how hard you try to find someone or something that you consider a perfect fit, you might never succeed...
    So, in love or in life, you get to do all these compromises, that leave a sour taste in your soul, but somehow keep you going...

  • At 11/16/2006 1:45 PM, Blogger Alina said…

    I still believe we never find the "perfect fit" because we have a wrong idea of it! If a relationship existed, you want the new one to be like the previous one, but better. Instead of making the best of what we have, we search for a "best pattern" that we have invented. Maybe all that feeling of sour compromises comes from here...

  • At 11/16/2006 4:09 PM, Blogger Cristina Banu said…

    After a longer period passes from the broken relationship, you will realize that you will not compare it anymore with it/other. This comes naturally in time and also if you feel satisfied with the new person makes you feel good, maybe in a way you haven't known before.
    After a longer time, I think the memory about the first love is kept somewhere hidden and it pops back on very rare ocassions. The conclusion is all in all a positive one :)

  • At 11/16/2006 4:14 PM, Blogger Alina said…

    Well, Cris, you don't necessarily compare it to the past relationship, you compare it to the standards you have made judging by that relationship: something like "this has gone wrong, mind note to never do it again", for example. If you get to a second relationship, than things did not go smoothly and the comparison is not the only issue.

    I meant you take something that happened, you took what was good, add to it what you want improved and create a framework you want to force on future events. Not relationships only. It does not matter that time passes. This is not about forgiving, forgetting and moving on.

  • At 11/21/2006 8:19 AM, Blogger ilya said…

    well, this is EXACTLY, but exactly what i was talking about on my blog, just dressed differently. i'm not sure what we were discussing there, you seem to be agreeing with me. although i wasn't talking about the first relationship: in my own personal case, that was completely meaningless. i'm talking about the first love. THAT is the one that leaves the marks. and THAT is the one you're going to be comparing everyone with.

    as they, say, the ones that stay in your mind are the first and the last. the rest you'll probably end up forgetting.

  • At 11/21/2006 9:29 AM, Blogger Alina said…

    Theoretically speaking, this is all wrong, we should not do it, but we do. Yes, true, it has to be a meaningful relationship. I don't think other types of flings count, that is why I was not that precise about the term "first".

    I know we all tend to act as described on this post and in your post, still don't agree with this behavior, try to fight it as it's all caused by us. We decide what is to be done and what is to be ever avoieded judging by past experiences, without adapting to the new person/situation.

  • At 11/22/2006 8:09 AM, Blogger ilya said…

    i have not yet had the opportunity to act like this because i am still dating my first love :)

    my post was about what happens when the two people dating are in different stages: when one has had a first love and the other one hasn't. apply that to the sex quote i gave (basically replace sex with love) and you'll see what i meant.

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Name: Alina
Home: Bucharest, Bucharest, Romania
About Me: "This is my church. This is where I heal my hurts". It's also where I feel free and my preferred means of expression.
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