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Monday, March 07, 2005
Thinking too much is really dangerous...
I’m going through a very weird depression. Yesterday for example I didn’t want to leave my mom’s house. I just wanted to forget all about coming to Bucharest, to just relax at home and do some quality thinking. I don’t remember ever being so depressed for such a long time…Maybe it’s connected to the fact that I’m turning 23 in about three weeks and all!

Now I fantasize about a very long walk, mostly on my own, although I wouldn’t mind some company. I just want to wander aimlessly for hours, thinking, evaluating, judging, maybe reaching some conclusions about my life and lifestyle…

I know part of the problem is the fact that I am alone, although there are assholes such as Cristi who would like an occasional warm place in my bed and in my life. Radu makes no difference in this issue. But Cristina is right. I cannot be thinking about a meaningful relationship before figuring out what is so wrong with me…

Right now I’m pretty ashamed about how I behaved on Sunday. I was crying and saying that I just want everything to stop for 5 seconds, so that I could have some time to think. My mom did not know how to help me at all. I know I just ended up upsetting her. I’ll try to call her later and seem a bit more cheerful or something. She has enough worries to also put up with mine.

At least these last few days (it’s a whole week actually) taught me a very important lesson: it is harder not understanding myself than not understanding others. On me I should always be able to count…I don’t know, I really don’t know anymore. Sometimes I would just kill to have someone to lean on for a few minutes every night! I would not want him to solve my problems, I’m perfectly able to do that on my own, I know, but I would really appreciate someone to tell me “Hey, relax; you know you can do it! Let’s just enjoy ourselves tonight…”

Yes, it is difficult to find someone who you like and who likes you back. Even harder to reach that point when you actually both feel love is in the air. But that shouldn’t be impossible, should it? I mean, am I that impossible? Why, because I talk to much, think to much, would not ever give in to the argument “I’m a man, I know better!”?

Too many questions all of the sudden. If I take a moment to think about what happened between last year’s birthday and this year’s, I know my life is improving somehow. I got out of a very destructive relationship, which is good, yet the process of learning how to manage on my own was quite painful. Then I changed jobs, met some new people, was swept off my feet by Mr. Completely Wrong for Me, read some more books, saw a lot more movies, went out a bit, re-tied old friendships, went to the Sighisoara festival… It’s been quite a full year, but with a very changing emotional state…

Maybe the next year of my life will be better! I’ll take that long walk sometime this weekend maybe and think about everything. Maybe I’ll also pass the driver’s license exam which is due this Friday…Maybe my health problems are not that awful either…I’ll start running and I’ll pick-up my blades from where I left them at the beginning of the cold weather…I’ll still go out and try to meet interesting people and maybe, just maybe, Mr. Completely Wrong for Me will turn out to be not that wrong afterall…
posted by Alina @ 1:10 PM  
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Name: Alina
Home: Bucharest, Bucharest, Romania
About Me: "This is my church. This is where I heal my hurts". It's also where I feel free and my preferred means of expression.
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