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Wednesday, February 23, 2005
Feeling a bit like a ghost, again
A rainy day today… I kind of miss the sun…I really miss Mr. Completely Wrong for Me (Note to myself – maybe I should stop changing his name!). Anyway, no matter how I call him, I still miss him…He’ll be back on Saturday or next Thursday…Such a long time!

My grandmother’s eye surgery went great. She’ll be out of the hospital on Thursday. I went to see her before work. She was so happy to see me! But at the same time I saw this very old lady who could not hear very well and who was on her own! She was doing something against the doctor’s orders and no one could get through to her to explain everything. Maybe her family should have been there with her, just like my mom was there with my grandmother…And I thought this must have been true loneliness. Not even close to my moments of feeling lonely and depressed…

I called Radu today, it was business related. Still, some of the things he said to me offended a little. He does not know me either. Am I so hard to see? My true self, is it really so well hidden? Judging from people’s reactions, I should conclude that I am a very introverted person who never lets anyone get close to her…Actually I’m just the opposite. Maybe always putting your soul on the table is really a better shield than hiding it…Or maybe to some people I’m just not worth the trouble of being explored…

I would like to meet someone else who can guess what I’m thinking before it becomes clear for me. I always did that with Razvan (or thought I did), knowing what was on his mind better than he did. Probably this is one of the reasons I am so attracted to Mr. Completely Wrong for Me: I know he could eventually get to know me, just as I am. The only problem is if he would bother to…I don’t think so, but I still hope he will!

I know this is why I sometimes feel invisible, or like a ghost. It is all out in the open, yet people still do not see it. My thoughts are complicated and twisted and strange, but not more complicated and more twisted and stranger that others’! Actually, they are more everything…Still! I practically draw it all on the walls for people that I care about…

OK, enough complaining for a day. I think is time to go back to smiling and singing and just give Mr. Completely Wrong for Me the chance he probably does not deserve…Next, I’ll just wait and see. I’ll draw the map to my soul again, this time for him, and maybe he’ll be smart enough to follow it. There are no traps on my map…
posted by Alina @ 12:49 PM  
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Name: Alina
Home: Bucharest, Bucharest, Romania
About Me: "This is my church. This is where I heal my hurts". It's also where I feel free and my preferred means of expression.
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