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Friday, May 05, 2006
Guilt

At the office. Coffee nearby, one eye at the chat request window. The little beeping window that makes a sound I will never forget each time I get a new request. I have taken some dramatic decisions today. I often do, rarely keep them, but at times I do manage to get all my focusing, my determination, my brains and my patience together, “my game”, to accomplish amazing things. I am simply hoping it will also work this time.

All is set, study leave, normal leave of absence, all set to give me time for my non-office projects. Books all around, all the materials I need, just waiting for me to start paying them all the needed attention. I am going home tomorrow morning. Have a ton of places to be in, also an important final exam in Microeconomics on Tuesday…The DeSales exam that will bring me a nice little Microeconomics certificate with the “USA” brand that we value so much here, still…

I am planning to take the train tomorrow, in order not to waste the road time. With the minibus I cannot read cause I get car sick if I try to. But with the train that does not happen. I am hoping to do more then just study for that exam. I have big plans. I have big plans for the next two and a half years. Plans on what to study and what exams to finally take, plans on how much money to save, plans for each detail of my life…

I am an extremely good planner. Keeping the promises I make to myself is harder. I wonder where exactly I got this laziness from? From my parents, most unlikely? From my own character and abilities? Most surely! I can study faster then others, I can write papers faster than others and this has always turned against me. I never take my time, I just leave it all for the last moment. Up to now it has worked, but I don’t want to use it anymore…I still have more time than I would need under the circumstances for all my exams. Maybe this time I will sleep late the day of the exam, not wake up at 5 to learn most of the things required.

I am 24 years old, I should have enough determination to change myself, to change my habits. Funny, when I plan it, it never seems so hard! :)

Anyway, today I feel guilty. A lot of guilt. I feel I have kept letting my mom, myself and all my teachers and professors down ever since finishing high-school. I only do the minimum, what is needed to get over it. Sometimes the minimum is above average, even a 10 grade (A as a correspondent). Yet it is not my very best….On so few occasions have people seen my very best!...It is such a waste!

I feel certain things have been given to me for a reason, to do something with them…Not necessarily to change the world, but to give as much as I was given to. To work at full capacity…I rarely do that…50% is more than enough, almost always…But I do want people to praise me for what I accomplish…It is a lot sometimes, but I need the praise because I feel it actually is so little…

posted by Alina @ 8:54 PM  
9 Comments:
  • At 5/05/2006 9:48 PM, Blogger Raluca said…

    Oh, Alina, we could all accomplish so much more, but I also think that we have to choose our battles -- one cannot do everything perfectly and still be sane, still be able to smell the roses, if you know what I mean. Once you decide what your priorities are, I'm sure you'll feel happy about yourself -- I have a feeling you are the one who judges youself hardest, not the others.

     
  • At 5/05/2006 9:52 PM, Blogger Alina said…

    Raluca, you are probably right about the judging part. As for priorities, I know them all so well :). It is hard to keep focused in doing what I know I should.

     
  • At 5/07/2006 11:14 AM, Blogger Ali la Loca said…

    Alina - these could have been my words. I am also 24, by the way, and my entire life have procrastinated and felt guilty for being lazy and only putting in the minimum effort for many things, especially in school. But the hardest part is that I usually had the best grades in the class, the most praised projects, the best papers...and most studying was done, like you said, at 4am the day of the test or assignment.

    Then, when you want to complain to someone about how lazy you really are and how you didn't put in a good effort, how does it look? You're complaining about a 9.5 grade that you feel you don't "deserve" while your poor friend who studied for 2 weeks got a 7.2 grade. I spent so much tome feeling like a fraud!

    It's nice to know that I am not alone in my guilt, or in my desire to actually give my best effort to more things in my life.

     
  • At 5/07/2006 7:54 PM, Anonymous Mihai said…

    well, feeling that guilt feeling is one of the first steps in pushing yourself to do more. Just get some motivation out of the good side (those over-50%) and leave aside the stuff you really hate doing. Should work...

     
  • At 5/08/2006 6:17 AM, Blogger tota said…

    Feeling guilty may play both way Kayla .. either pushing you forward, or backward, so you keep focusing on what you missed behind your back & don’t give yourself a chance to look forward.
    Sometimes our unconscious plays against us when things become very stressed, it’s a fact, the funny thing I can mention here is usually when we decide start studying & look to the scands of books and materials we have to review, in some cases we feel sleepy, although the moment before this we didn’t feel so … it’s our unconscious trying to run away from the pressure by misleading imposition, and if u started to think about any funny thing this illusionary feeling fades away, u shouldn’t treat yourself in such way & stress it out … take it easy on yourself & try to divide things up into smaller parts and give them priorities so you can achieve them all, but not all of them at once.

     
  • At 5/09/2006 8:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    :) u're driving me crazy...u've been doing so many amazing things lately that I do not know how you actually manage to wish for more..not to mention that this increases my own guilt..so, I'm going straight home,to prepare for tomorrow..somehow, so that we both have a reason to celebrate these days(you know..200 euro..:)
    take care :)
    me,of course..

     
  • At 5/10/2006 9:03 AM, Blogger Alina said…

    Ali, nice to know I am not the only one :)) I know my 50% sometimes means more than other people's best. But still, I sometimes get curious, what would be like if I got somewhere near 75-80?

    Mihai, motivation I can get. Determination is the missing key factor
    :)

    C, thanks...Still, there is a lot more that I need to do right now and I am not quite doing it :) See you later today.
    Tota, you are quite right. If I can get started, it is all solved. As for the quilt, it comes only rarely. In the rest of time, I don't care about it...

     
  • At 5/10/2006 9:25 PM, Blogger Sarah said…

    Hey Alina,
    I miss you girl..
    Give yourself a break and think of all the great things you did..
    Take good care girl..

     
  • At 5/11/2006 7:50 AM, Blogger Alina said…

    Thanks Sarah, will do my best :)

     
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Name: Alina
Home: Bucharest, Bucharest, Romania
About Me: "This is my church. This is where I heal my hurts". It's also where I feel free and my preferred means of expression.
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