At the office. Coffee nearby, one eye at the chat request window. The little beeping window that makes a sound I will never forget each time I get a new request. I have taken some dramatic decisions today. I often do, rarely keep them, but at times I do manage to get all my focusing, my determination, my brains and my patience together, “my game”, to accomplish amazing things. I am simply hoping it will also work this time. All is set, study leave, normal leave of absence, all set to give me time for my non-office projects. Books all around, all the materials I need, just waiting for me to start paying them all the needed attention. I am going home tomorrow morning. Have a ton of places to be in, also an important final exam in Microeconomics on Tuesday…The DeSales exam that will bring me a nice little Microeconomics certificate with the “USA” brand that we value so much here, still… I am planning to take the train tomorrow, in order not to waste the road time. With the minibus I cannot read cause I get car sick if I try to. But with the train that does not happen. I am hoping to do more then just study for that exam. I have big plans. I have big plans for the next two and a half years. Plans on what to study and what exams to finally take, plans on how much money to save, plans for each detail of my life… I am an extremely good planner. Keeping the promises I make to myself is harder. I wonder where exactly I got this laziness from? From my parents, most unlikely? From my own character and abilities? Most surely! I can study faster then others, I can write papers faster than others and this has always turned against me. I never take my time, I just leave it all for the last moment. Up to now it has worked, but I don’t want to use it anymore…I still have more time than I would need under the circumstances for all my exams. Maybe this time I will sleep late the day of the exam, not wake up at 5 to learn most of the things required. I am 24 years old, I should have enough determination to change myself, to change my habits. Funny, when I plan it, it never seems so hard! :) Anyway, today I feel guilty. A lot of guilt. I feel I have kept letting my mom, myself and all my teachers and professors down ever since finishing high-school. I only do the minimum, what is needed to get over it. Sometimes the minimum is above average, even a 10 grade (A as a correspondent). Yet it is not my very best….On so few occasions have people seen my very best!...It is such a waste! I feel certain things have been given to me for a reason, to do something with them…Not necessarily to change the world, but to give as much as I was given to. To work at full capacity…I rarely do that…50% is more than enough, almost always…But I do want people to praise me for what I accomplish…It is a lot sometimes, but I need the praise because I feel it actually is so little… |
Oh, Alina, we could all accomplish so much more, but I also think that we have to choose our battles -- one cannot do everything perfectly and still be sane, still be able to smell the roses, if you know what I mean. Once you decide what your priorities are, I'm sure you'll feel happy about yourself -- I have a feeling you are the one who judges youself hardest, not the others.