So, I flunked again! No problem, I’ll get it in the end! I am determined to take this exam until I pass. Actually I never thought I could flunk so many times and not give it up! The test of starting over and over again after a failure has proven itself harder than the exam itself.
I went out with Cristi on Sunday. Determined, of course, to break up with him and finish all this nonsense. Yet I had such a great time I could not. It felt perfect and I have to say I have not felt like that in a very long time. But as I was going up the stairs to my mom flat I felt so bad about myself for not ending it. Sometimes I’m so weak…Especially when I have to end a relationship that is going well at that certain point, regardless of how it went before.
I wish I had constant readers for this blog…Other than people who already know me. I guess it would be interesting to see what they think of me and to read their comments. It tells you a lot about how much of your personality you actually show by these posts.
As far as my other plans for the weekend are concerned, well, I kind of screwed up everything. Did some reading, not even close to what I planned though…But I had my walk, part of it alone, part of it with Oana, exactly what I needed in the end! Spent some time with my mom, saw my dad for about 5 minutes. It seems I can do a lot of planning but I cannot keep up with what I plan…I guess I am a disaster in what doing what I have to do is concerned. I’ll try to change that, really change it this time. I tried before but gave up after about three days.
I’m all red today! I haven’t been dressed like this in a very long time…Red used to be my favorite color. But then the colors I wore suddenly turned darker, until I started to wear black only, for about 2 months. Then, sometimes after the New Year I started to also wear brighter colors. And today is my first day of red only. I guess I’m struggling to re-become my old self.
Another highlight of the weekend: I went through my old diaries. They were a first hand reminder of how bad it was with Razva at certain times. Actually it was awful a lot more often than it was OK. I should have followed the wise advice of a song a long time ago: do not count the seconds in which he made you happy, count the years of suffering. So I did. And apart from our first year which was pretty good, but never perfect, the following three years were…hard to describe. Yet I do not blame him for all this. It was my fault because I let it happen. Most of the times, I decided to get back together with him – that meaning that I decided to convince him we have to be together or that I decided to give in to his requests of being together again. Bottom line, I should have known better: people can change, they can even make radical changes, but only when they want to, when they believe such a change is needed.
I allowed the changes that happened to me during this relationship. Giving up my ego and my pride to make it work cost me a lot of my strength. I lost contact with a lot of people, I stopped doing the things I loved to do, and right know is hard to recover. It’s so difficult to find myself in this huge labyrinth that I helped build. But I’m never gonna give it up! I cannot give up on myself, can I?