I finally got to see “The Pacifier”! Of course I loved it, mostly due to my long-lasting addiction for Vin Diesel. Yet people on IMDB are totally right: not a good comedy! I mean, they made him too soft and the kids are not really acting like kids. Too many issues to solve and not enough funny situations. It could have been great, but I guess something totally ruined it. Yet the “girl-scouts beating the boy-scouts” scene was pretty funny. Just like it happened to a lot of movies, the trailer was way better than the actual movie.

After trying and trying for weeks now I finally finished the second book of Dune and moved forward to “Dune Messiah”. Same conclusion as the one after the first book: the novel is way better that the movie. A lot deeper!

My diet seems to have some results. Not much! But then again my plans of rollerblading every morning and every evening were totally spoiled by this annoying rainy weather. I hope it will change, at least on my birthday. I want it sunny. Who doesn’t? Yet according to all the TV channels, it will still be pretty cold, but at least it won’t rain anymore…

Today I went to my faculty. It was the first time in a very long time. A really long time…It felt so strange: like I didn’t belong there anymore. I was looking at the faces of people going by me on the hallways and couldn’t recognize any of them. I saw my colleagues in a class, all of them gathered there, and I just passed by. I went ahead, took what I needed from our secretary and then left. In between all that I met one of my colleagues on the hallway. It took her several seconds to recognize me. She was so surprised to see me!

As I was going out I suddenly felt very sad. I wished things were a little different…Sometimes I think it would have been better if I had chosen something else. For example, just being a student, no job, no problems…Just focus on what I was studying…But I didn’t and I had my reasons for it. At times they don’t seem that relevant anymore though…

I took my first job because I thought some experience in the field would help me after graduating. I tried to be the best editor the agency had and I guess I was at a certain moment, mostly because no one succeeded in handling the same amount of work as I did. After I left they lost one of the contracts I helped close and that really hurt me. Especially when I remembered that I spent my two days seaside vacation learning all I could for the new client. But I also felt this huge pride that no one could really replace me.

I quit this first job for several reasons: I was going to be promoted to the position on company zombie. The reasons for this promotion were the five months spent working ten to fourteen hours per night, five or four nights a week, followed by two to six hours spent at the University. Plus a significant number of papers (that year they were more than in the whole 4 years at this faculty of journalism). Add to that an out of the blue break-up after a four years relationship which ironically occurred on Easter day and a not that great physical condition ( a caught 5 colds in 2 months and a half) and you would probably understand why I left after a year and three months spent here. And there was this other small thing: I’ve been doing everything there was to do in this agency and there was no where left to go!

So I took a break, went to the seaside for a whole week this time with my so called group of friends (something that practically stopped existing after the above mentioned break up) and for the first three days it totally sucked! Then I decided it was high time to stop giving a shit for people that were not worth it and just enjoy myself.

Two days before coming back from the seaside I received this phone call from a colleague of mine who told me there was a secretary position available in a new construction company. I had no experience in the field and it had little to do with journalism. But as I was sick an tired of the journalistic world, was quite able of dealing with a computer (as a result of spending four years with someone studying programming at the University and of my experience as an editor – I type quite fast, fast enough to still amaze people – and of course the DTP and Internet classes taken at my very own faculty), was totally mesmerized by the idea of talking all day in English (the owners were foreigners) and was not enjoying life without a job, I decided to kiss good-bye my idea of taking a prolonged break and focusing on studying.

Soon after that I was talking to people all over the world and learning a lot about various fields. Four months later I was promoted to marketing officer. Pretty much for me if I say I am the only one in the marketing department which therefore I was supposed to run. It turned out great! I’m enjoying myself more then ever and I can say I never thought I could like my job that much. It’s because I can learn a lot and I’m challenged to prove I’m good. And because the company is interested in several fields, not only constructions.

Yeah, I sometimes feel sad I’m not doing what most of them are doing, but that does not mean I would give it all up to be like them! I tried to and it took me only two months to see I needed to get a new job. In the end, it all leads to something better…At least this is how it happened for me!

Last night I saw Michael Jackson’s video “In the Closet” with my room-mate. On a short break we took from admiring Naomi Campbel’s body, she noticed that Michael’s shadow resembled a lot to the moon-light skeleton image of the cursed pirates of the Black Pearl (Pirates of the Caribbean). Man, was she right! And when I think of how in love we all were with Michael when we were 13 or 14! I remember his first concert in Romania and how sad I was for not being allowed to go. Lucky for me it was broadcasted by a TV channel, live first and then again and again and again….

My room-mate and I can be pretty mean sometimes! I think it’s a way of coping with the everyday stress. But we are both aware of the fact we might get beaten some day! My ultimate pleasure is being mean to old guys (50-80 years old) that practically spread their saliva on all young girls, no matter how they look like, what they’re wearing or other significant details. Their gender only is important!

Oh and there is a special kind of people: “sick of too much beauty”, as I like to call them. You can see them everywhere. With some crazy hairstyle that most of the times makes them look worse then they really are, with some “cool” outfit that would give an instant heart attack to any designer, and with the “If I wanted, I would be having sex with you in two seconds!”-look. And don’t forget some very inappropriate sunglasses, preferably worn when it’s cloudy or at night, and the kind of jaded attitude saying “no one is good enough for me”

Of course, most of these people don’t really hear our malicious remarks, but I guess our eyes and the “Yeah, right!” smile on our faces say it all!

My weekend was as good as I planned! Lots of rollerblading and working out, hours at the beauty salon, visits and the MTVhits channel which, strangely, is available in Ploiesti, but not in the larger and a lot more important capital city! But I also realized my generation was pretty much not that cool! I mean the number of crazy and wild things we did in high-school was pretty low and it did not grow in college!

But the new generation – teenagers that are now running on the Ploiesti high-school hallways are a lot different. Larger groups created around graffiti, rollerblading, skateboarding or types of music that actually spend a lot of time together.

On Sunday, on my way to the station, I met this crazy group walking down-town. The “leaders” were to guys walking in front of the rest. One of them was dressed in an “I just escaped from an institution” hospital pajama and was wearing this enormous boots. The other one was wearing a very bad Depeche Mode-like outfit and some Tom-Cruise-playing-jet-pilot sunglasses. The others were filming everything using a very trendy camera mainly focusing on people’s reaction when seeing this quite awkward couple. What amazed me most was the attitude of the two stars: they had no problem at all! They were not stressed or embarrassed in any way. They were just doing a great job at acting according to their outfits.

Now that the weekend is over I can remember it precisely every second. Mostly because there isn’t one single muscle in my body that does not hurt. I guess I’ve kind of exaggerated with the rollerblades and all! But my birthday is closer and closer and I’m determined to lose weight until then. Too bad today my plans were totally ruined by a never-ending rain! But there are still six days left!

Speaking of birthdays, today is my ex’s birthday. I could just say happy birthday through an IM but I guess I just want to avoid an actual conversation. So the idea of sending an SMS sounds a lot better. It’s pretty awkward though! For the last two weeks we kept pretending that the other one wasn’t really logged on. I’m not gonna end it or wish he would. But I just wish things didn’t have to end like this after an about four years relationship. I had high hopes for us being friends but, again I have to say this, one cannot force anything on others.

“There is the rare occasion where a 4-year old can actually create art, but it is about as rare as a blogger writing something truly interesting, both journalistic and literacy wise.

OK, this is pure bullshit! Maybe blogs are not the best thing that ever happened to journalism and literature, but they are definitely not the worst! People are really free to choose what they write and what they read. Someone who used to read one or two books a week will not stop because they discovered blogging. They will still read their books, write their novels, listen to their music. Blogs are just another form of expressing yourself. Anyone may try, continue or stop.

And people reading anything – blogs, books, magazines – have the same preferences. The quality of their readings will stay the same. If they read bad books, they will probably read bad blogs. No one actually believes blogs are the peek of human accomplishment! But there are blogs written by great journalists or by people with true talent!

Anyway it does not matter. Saying something is pure nonsense just because you don’t like it is never an argument. I really do not see any examples – good or bad! And, yeah, why don’t you sit down and try writing a novel or a blog or something more relevant than this article?

Today started pretty bad. I woke up, looked in the mirror and said to myself: “I look like a corpse!” Then I remembered that today I’m dieting, like for real, and that made it all worse. But then I took a great shower, got dressed, put some make-up on and listened to some really bad Romanian music. I wouldn’t know if the make-up or the bad music was responsible for the change, but I suddenly started to feel better and better…

I’m going home today and am preparing for a great weekend: beauty salon on Saturday morning, some shopping later, lots of rollerblading, some time spent with my friend Oana, visiting my father, probably going out a little and some reading. Mmmm, heaven!

Yesterday I had another conversation with Viorel on the “wife must cook” theme. Of course, if I don’t know how to cook I am a handicapped woman! Right!!! I think I got tired of this and will never try to talk to him about this again. It makes me wanna kill him. I mean, if cooking is actually the most important thing in a marriage, why not hire a chef? Firing people is much easier! And less expensive: no lawyer needed!

I would actually love to prepare a breakfast in bed for my husband on a weekend morning or cook him dinner and choose a great wine for it sometime, but I would really not love to be obliged to come home after 10 hours at the office and cook – my second job.

Other then that, my morning was beautiful! And the day will be the same. Yet I can’t wait to put my rollerblades on tomorrow! It will be the first time this year. Today a lot of rollerblading people passed by me and I felt just as I used to feel when I was 5 and saw someone eating ice cream!

So, Jake is looking for a boyfriend…Of course I don’t qualify for this position!!! I’m an Aries, duh! Everybody knows an Aries and another Aries usually means a new World War!!! Oh, and there is this other small thing: I’m a girl.:)

He got a new tattoo a few days ago. And this reminded me of my own wish of having a part of my body tattooed. But I think I’ll go for a six month one, just in case I won’t like it. So, if I don’t change my mind in one week, this will be my present to myself for my birthday! What it will actually be? I really have no idea, but it will definitely include a rose!

After bravely deciding to close the Mr. Completely Wrong for Me case everybody felt the desperate urge to talk about him. Even people that didn’t like him that much or that never talked about him found it was necessary to point out how handsome he was or what crazy things he did the last time they saw him. Even my matchmaker who cheerfully congratulated me the evening before for my wise decision felt the sudden need to mention his name like every five seconds. But I got no problem with that. And of course I wasn’t sad all day and wasn’t driven completely crazy by all the beautiful red roses that I saw yesterday.

As I concluded a long time before, it is not hard to find signs leading you to one decision. The problem is you find signs leading you to all the possible decisions. So in the end you can only count on yourself to choose…

The thing that actually bugs me the most is the fact that he is always just ten minutes away from me, yet I never see him! I think it’s high time for a Vin Diesel marathon, something like Riddick, Pitch Black, Triple X and A Man Apart…And very soon on the Romanian black movie market: The Pacifier!!! Enjoy!

I remembered the first time that I ever had a glass of Martini. I was in high-school and was on a trip to a mountain resort with my mom and step dad. I was in my room (I had a room all for myself!!!) working on finishing a novel of mine (the only one I ever finished) and my mom came to take me downstairs, at the restaurant. I first drank a Martini with them (the ultimate sign I was growing up) and then I had this huge delicious ice cream.

I really miss my step father…He was always so nice to me and I wish there was something I could do to stop him from being killed by that stupid cancer…I remember once he told me how my honeymoon should be like. He described almost every day, giving me advice on where to eat and what to eat. I don’t remember very much of the itinerary, but I remember his smile describing some exquisite croissants from a cozy coffee shop somewhere in France.

I also remember another trip to the mountains with him when I was about 10 or 11. He took me on a walk, telling me stories about the places he had seen, as always. It was a very cold night, but somehow his voice and the bright lights of the resort made it warmer. One other time that we went to a mountain resort in the middle of the winter the hotel hadn’t a decent heating system, although it was a three-star hotel (such things happened often in the first years after the Revolution) and the front desk clerk brought us some kind of heater, mostly to make sure I was warm enough (man, sometimes it’s great to be a small kid!). The next day I went exploring on my own, imagining how great these trips would be when I’d be older and I’d go with my friends. The trips turned out to be just as I imagined them, but right now I would give anything to have the chance of another weekend spent with him and my mom.

All I found out these past three days about Mr. Completely Wrong for Me was about all his new conquests. Hot dates and stuff…So he actually turned out to be definitely wrong in any way possible. A friend of his said to me he only needs a woman who can control him. The problem is I really don’t want to do that. I don’t want to tame a wild animal and make him do whatever I want! And, anyway, the phrase “the light ball has to want to change on its own” seems pretty appropriate right now…And I also have this huge problem: I really don’t take cheating very well. Actually I find it unacceptable. And I don’t believe in the all mighty excuse “I’m a man…” The other problem is that I’d rather not be a name on a very long list of one night stands.

The conclusion is: it’s decided, he will no longer be of any interest to me. The same friend of his said my mind might change if I see him and he smiles nicely to me. Well, not really. Actually my heart might change the decision, but not my mind. And without my mind…I’ll feel it, but will not do anything about it. So, this is another chapter of my love life that I will end before it starts.

I was pretty upset about this whole thing last night. And I even took a long walk this morning (of course, lots of red roses everywhere…). Now I’m writing all about this here and I hope that’s it: subject closed!!!

OK, I officially don’t get it! What woman would leave the dark, mysterious, black-haired, blue-eyed genius for the mundane, skinny looking Viconte? This idea of the “Phantom of the Opera” I really cannot accept. Oh, he had a mask, hiding that abominable scar of his…Yet with his mask on he looked ten times better that the chosen love of the heroine. I mean, this girl has grown up learning how to sing from this sexy teacher, she heard the “music of the night”, saw all his mysteries, but she falls for the old childhood sweetheart who has nothing sparkling in his looks or personality. Where is the old theory of the girl falling for the dangerous, wild, bad man??? To quote a character of the “Gilmore Girls”, “every girl has to fall for a bad guy. That’s why so many accountants eventually get married”.

I admit if you just watch the movie, it is a kind of boring musical. Nothing more. But if you think a little of its message…The girl who had a calling to be the perfect singer leaves the genius composer, singer and architect for the art commoner. Come on my Romanian friends, you must see it, it really sounds like Eminescu’s “Evening Star”!!! And the phantom, why did they have to make him so blood-thirsty? I mean, come on, he could have been devious, drawn by his dark side, but a cold blooded killer would have never made the supreme sacrifice of allowing the woman he loves to be happy with his rival. I would have bought the story if he would have kept her with him.

And the scar used as the thing keeping her from loving the Phantom. Come on!!! It is more of a bruised soul. And now, tell me, which woman is not tempted by trying to change/save a man, especially when it seems impossible to do so…Another option would be the Evening Star idea: he is the superior being – Hyperion, she is the Princess that falls in love with the superior being that she cannot really have because she is afraid of his world, and the Viconte is the commoner tricking her into loving him, offering her a mundane but safe life. Yet again, the pride of Hyperion, his decision to leave her to her faith, he’s perception of her mortality and mediocrity, all these lack from the movie. Hyperion cannot be a cold blooded killer or try to kidnap her…

Yet this movie marked me more for different reasons. Mostly the red rose with a black lace, the symbol of the Phantom. The red rose has always been my symbol, my secret metaphor of what I am. A good friend even dedicated a poem called “Red Rose” to me. The strange nature of the black lace also reminded me of this poem where I was called “a red strange rose”. And then three perfect lines of a song…”Say you’ll share with me / One life, / One love…” I would like someone to say I will to that. And I also remembered a conversation about red roses with Mr. Completely Wrong for Me – he was all dressed in black.

And there is something else…We are both bruised and left behind and have a scar on our souls. But I managed to somehow get over it and be ready to try again, regardless of the risk of being hurt again. He coped in a very different way. And the fact that made me very sad was that I have a lot to work on my own and I am not sure I have the strength, the patience, the determination of changing/saving someone like him. I think I’ll just run away after the first time he hurts me…

Going by Razvan’s neighborhood is still very hard. Seeing the 34 and 46 trams is even harder. I know I am over him, it’s not that. It is just the fact that I lived there for about three years. I didn’t only lose him; I also lost my home and a lot of people that I used to call friends. But that will pass soon, everything does eventually.

I had two wonderful days of experiencing what being a couch potato is like. All the staff of my company were announced their presence at the office was not needed, so I decided the best way of spending the spare time was watching TV. Pathetic…

Mr. Completely Wrong for Me is nearby; since yesterday I think. I haven’t seen him though…Maybe today, maybe tomorrow…Maybe never would be better! I don’t know anymore. Yet I talked to Cristi on the phone last night…Who the hell knows what’s in my head? I give up trying to figure it out.

Never mind all that! The break was quite good! My room mate and I had time to clean up our room, have a short walk and do some shopping. And I’m full of “Ally McBeal” and “Dawson’s Creek” and other series that I watched all day long. I also did some reading. Yet I didn’t get to finish the second book of Dune which shows how much attention I paid to my reading.

After two days of jogging I took a two days break. No, I’m not giving up and no, I wasn’t lazy. Just some minor health problems…But tomorrow I start again. It’s hard when your body remembers you could run and do lots of abs and push-ups and yet, no matter how much you push it, you can’t just get there in a second. This will actually take a lot of work. God, I can’t wait to get home and bring my roller blades to Bucharest! That will take care of my evening training. A more pleasant workout, to be honest!

One of my cousins called me today. I haven’t talked to him or seen him for about 5 or 6 years. And his phoning me today is still a huge surprise. We’re supposed to meet sometime soon and catch up, I think. This voice from my past that I hardly recognize and who is in no way connected to my present has reminded me of all the people that have stopped being in my present. A lot of friends, close friends, acquaintances…All gone…Some of them pretend they don’t know me anymore and don’t even say “Hi” when they see me. Others I meet once or twice a year, always by accident, yet they are always nice. Funny, they are the ones that have never been very close to me.

Anyway, maybe this time we will develop some kind of lasting relationship. Maybe we’ll see each other every month or even twice a month. We used to be very close when we were kids. To him I owe my passion for Formula 1. I was only around five years old when we watched Senna together. I still love the races. I wonder if he still watches…

Today was my first day of jogging! After some abs (not that many actually) I decided to pretend I completely forgot about the push-ups (my days of glory with 50 to 100 push-ups in a few minutes are long gone…) and went out to run and fill my lungs with the freshly polluted air of Bucharest. The sun was shinning, the birds were singing, a gorgeous spring morning…After a disappointing 15 minutes run and after bravely escaping a dog attack, I came back home to lay in the bed and recover after this huge physical effort. Quite disappointing, but not that hard to explain; I mean I haven’t been working out since last spring!

Usually, I start jogging or working out every year. It lasts for about a week or two and then I stop… Since I came to college I really became very lazy in what taking care of my body is concerned. The only thing that kind of kept me in shape was occasionally putting my rollerblades on. But this time I mean business (then again, every time I mean business)! Only this time my reasons are quite different. I turn 23 and I guess even a 50-year-old is in better shape than me…

Apart from that, I am pretty happy and have my head completely lost in the clouds due to the fact that Mr. Completely Wrong for Me is finally coming to Bucharest at the end of the week. This time the arriving date is quite certain, I hope!

Oh, and a small piece of advice before closure: don’t expect to get enough sleep if you start using Chinese tea for losing weight!!!

So, I flunked again! No problem, I’ll get it in the end! I am determined to take this exam until I pass. Actually I never thought I could flunk so many times and not give it up! The test of starting over and over again after a failure has proven itself harder than the exam itself.

I went out with Cristi on Sunday. Determined, of course, to break up with him and finish all this nonsense. Yet I had such a great time I could not. It felt perfect and I have to say I have not felt like that in a very long time. But as I was going up the stairs to my mom flat I felt so bad about myself for not ending it. Sometimes I’m so weak…Especially when I have to end a relationship that is going well at that certain point, regardless of how it went before.

I wish I had constant readers for this blog…Other than people who already know me. I guess it would be interesting to see what they think of me and to read their comments. It tells you a lot about how much of your personality you actually show by these posts.

As far as my other plans for the weekend are concerned, well, I kind of screwed up everything. Did some reading, not even close to what I planned though…But I had my walk, part of it alone, part of it with Oana, exactly what I needed in the end! Spent some time with my mom, saw my dad for about 5 minutes. It seems I can do a lot of planning but I cannot keep up with what I plan…I guess I am a disaster in what doing what I have to do is concerned. I’ll try to change that, really change it this time. I tried before but gave up after about three days.

I’m all red today! I haven’t been dressed like this in a very long time…Red used to be my favorite color. But then the colors I wore suddenly turned darker, until I started to wear black only, for about 2 months. Then, sometimes after the New Year I started to also wear brighter colors. And today is my first day of red only. I guess I’m struggling to re-become my old self.

Another highlight of the weekend: I went through my old diaries. They were a first hand reminder of how bad it was with Razva at certain times. Actually it was awful a lot more often than it was OK. I should have followed the wise advice of a song a long time ago: do not count the seconds in which he made you happy, count the years of suffering. So I did. And apart from our first year which was pretty good, but never perfect, the following three years were…hard to describe. Yet I do not blame him for all this. It was my fault because I let it happen. Most of the times, I decided to get back together with him – that meaning that I decided to convince him we have to be together or that I decided to give in to his requests of being together again. Bottom line, I should have known better: people can change, they can even make radical changes, but only when they want to, when they believe such a change is needed.

I allowed the changes that happened to me during this relationship. Giving up my ego and my pride to make it work cost me a lot of my strength. I lost contact with a lot of people, I stopped doing the things I loved to do, and right know is hard to recover. It’s so difficult to find myself in this huge labyrinth that I helped build. But I’m never gonna give it up! I cannot give up on myself, can I?

It seems my depression in completely gone! That happened, of course, after another share of crying my little black heart out after realizing my one true love ever is actually an asshole! Which was actually good because right know, after almost a year since we broke up, I completely stopped regretting not being with him anymore. Now I do believe my mother when she says he is not worth it! And Cristina…and Oana…It is true what they say about Aries women: they put their partner on a pedestal and refuse to see them as they really are. When they finally open their eyes, something really severe has happened. I was a special case, as always, and it took a lot of extreme events to finally open my eyes and see the person I regretted was only partially real.

My driving license exam is tomorrow. I do hope I’ll pass this time because I do have other things to focus on! And maybe Saturday I’ll also take that long walk on my own, with a more positive attitude this time.

Suddenly, out of the blue, I feel full of life again, ready to face the facts of my life, to clean everything up and focus on me for a change! My birthday is getting closer and I feel I’m getting old. I feel time flies by me and I just let it pass without actually living. I just waste it doing nothing! But I’ll try to change that. I’ll do everything I didn’t do before! Even if I do it alone. I need to jog, to lose weight and get in shape, to study, to read, to go to the theatre, to go out more, to meet new people, to dance and listen to my music, to see movies and to try to write again.

Except my driving license, everything else depends on me! I also have to save some money for the seaside and for my master and second faculty. And work a lot at the office to get the experience I need to finally get promoted to Marketing Manager and maybe have my salary increased.

The 8th of March, Women’s Day in my country, brought some quite unexpected events. Like getting a flower with my double cheese…Then, I actually went out with some friends and drank a beer and got kind of drunk from that one beer. The actual going out finally occurred after a lot of plan-changing. I was supposed to go to this disco and try to mesmerize this cute guy I had just met. But that did not happen because the whole deal was canceled. At least I found out the name of that other cute guy who lives in my hostel: it’s Dan. And I eventually ended drinking my beer – which turned out to be quite dangerous – with Oana and Gabi.

I also experienced some very nice talking with Gabi’s room mate. Nice to see there are still enough passionate people going to my faculty…Yet he’s only a freshman. I was pretty enthusiastic about television until my third year…This guy actually knows a lot of stuff about any kind of music. Sometimes, if we don’t remember a song name, we just sing it, not always accurately, to this guy and we get the song name, the singer name, and sometimes even the release year of the song. He’s trying to get accepted at a local radio station and I really wish him to get there.

I just found out that I flunked my last driver’s license exam for nothing. That meaning that today, while I was reading for my third exam, I realized the rule I supposedly broke (a major offense according to the examining police officer) was not real. There is no such thing in the law, law that we have to you know, study in order to pass the written exam, but which actually changes at the practical exam. At least now I don’t blame myself that much… Anyway, I will drive according to all the rules at this new exam: those in the book and those in the policemen’s mind. I think I’m safer this way!

I have a lot of plans for this weekend and for the next few weeks. I just want to focus on school a bit. I need to at least get started with what I have to do! I don’t want to give it up now, when I’m so close to graduating. In the end, it all depends on me!

I always loved putting my thoughts on paper – more or less real paper. Yet I was sometimes obsessed with the way it turned out. I always felt it often seems pretty shallow, although my inner being is quite complicated and deep. I always admired, for example, Oana’s diary style. But everyone has their own style. And I guess that people will always see you in a different light, sometimes even opposite to your image in the mind-mirror.

I guess I always needed someone to see me exactly as I am. Someone to say to me: “I can see through you, / See your true colors”… Yeah, even supergirls need to be known and accepted! I want that someone (I know he exists somewhere) to help each other be better, stronger, safer, warmer… That someone that feels so right as if we were halves of the same spirit, separated sometime in the dawns of existence. The “hyper-eon”, he who flies above…

I want someone to sing “Hoy” to every time he comes back (or I come back) from who knows where. I don’t pray for a perfect life… That would be insane anyway. Every road has its ups and downs, even a 5-year-old knows that…Yet I do pray for a happy life. For that imperfect someone who is perfect for my flaws. For a baby boy and for a baby girl. Something like this, more or less:

Que mis ojos se despierten con la luz de tu mirada, yo
A Dios le pido que mi madre no se muera y que mi padre me recuerde,
A Dios le pido que te quedes a mi lado y que más nunca te me vayas mi vida,
A Dios le pido que mi alma no descanse cuando de amarte se tratemi cielo
A Dios le pido por los días que me quedan y las noches que aún nollegan yo
A Dios le pido por los hijos de mis hijos y los hijos de tus hijos
A Dios le pido que mi pueblo no derrame tanta sangre y selevante mi gente
A Dios le pido que mi alma no descanse cuando de amarte se tratemi cielo
Un segundo más de vida para darte y mi corazón entero entregarte
Un segundo más de vida para darte y a tu lado para siempre yo quedarme
Un segundo más de vida yo a Dios le pido
Y que si me muero sea de amor y si me enamoro sea de vos y quede tu voz sea este corazón todos los días
A Dios le pido y que si me muero sea de amor y si me enamoro sea de vos y que de tu voz sea este corazón todos los días a Dios le pido,
A Dios le pido...

I know that if I really believe in this and if I fight for it, it has to happen at some point of my life… Maybe not all at the same time, but I know at the end of my life I’ll look back and say “I got most of what I wanted…”

My depression is getting a little bit better. I guess it will all be solved soon. After the exam which I hope I’ll pass. I will deal everything there is to deal with Cristi and Razva and then I will get on with my life. I need to keep fighting, no matter how tired I feel at a certain time. I need some quality time with a book (I hope I’ll have time to finish the second book of Dune this weekend) and some final paper reading. And maybe some TV, if I feel I deserve it…I really have to put myself together for school because I’m running out of time. And this time I really cannot do it all in one week!

I’m feeling a little bit better right now. But I know this state of mine is deceitful…Yesterday, on my way to Bucharest, the radio station selected by the driver – Kiss FM I think – played Morandi-Love Me and Gloria Estefan-Hoy, two of my favorite songs and things seemed to be better. For a while! Now at least the bad moments are fewer and fewer. Once I get started with writing the final paper and writing in general, things will be even better, I think. And, of course, once I have time for that walk…

In the meantime, I will entertain myself with studying for my driver’s license and with the second book of Dune. I guess my blabbing on the blog will somehow intensify due to my abnormally prolonged state of depression. I guess if I follow this every step of the way I’ll know how to make myself better next time it happens.

I’m pretty pissed with this whole thing with Razvan. Him not picking up the phone yesterday and not even beeping later, when it was he who chose the day, really made me want to give it all up. I mean, he knew all this deal was pretty important and work-related…I found someone else to help me anyway! So, it’s been decided: I won’t let him, Andreea or Andra hurt me ever again. Especially him! I mean, I told him this was going to be his last chance…If this is how he chose to behave…He really does not give a damn about this friendship anyway…

So, tomorrow Mishu is going to bring me another book for the final paper and I’m going to go to the Central University Library this weekend. This means I’m planning my work for this paper of mine. I just want to get something done so that I could pass. I just need to graduate this summer, regardless of the grade. I’m through with journalism anyway…But I got my pride, I need to graduate!

I’m going through a very weird depression. Yesterday for example I didn’t want to leave my mom’s house. I just wanted to forget all about coming to Bucharest, to just relax at home and do some quality thinking. I don’t remember ever being so depressed for such a long time…Maybe it’s connected to the fact that I’m turning 23 in about three weeks and all!

Now I fantasize about a very long walk, mostly on my own, although I wouldn’t mind some company. I just want to wander aimlessly for hours, thinking, evaluating, judging, maybe reaching some conclusions about my life and lifestyle…

I know part of the problem is the fact that I am alone, although there are assholes such as Cristi who would like an occasional warm place in my bed and in my life. Radu makes no difference in this issue. But Cristina is right. I cannot be thinking about a meaningful relationship before figuring out what is so wrong with me…

Right now I’m pretty ashamed about how I behaved on Sunday. I was crying and saying that I just want everything to stop for 5 seconds, so that I could have some time to think. My mom did not know how to help me at all. I know I just ended up upsetting her. I’ll try to call her later and seem a bit more cheerful or something. She has enough worries to also put up with mine.

At least these last few days (it’s a whole week actually) taught me a very important lesson: it is harder not understanding myself than not understanding others. On me I should always be able to count…I don’t know, I really don’t know anymore. Sometimes I would just kill to have someone to lean on for a few minutes every night! I would not want him to solve my problems, I’m perfectly able to do that on my own, I know, but I would really appreciate someone to tell me “Hey, relax; you know you can do it! Let’s just enjoy ourselves tonight…”

Yes, it is difficult to find someone who you like and who likes you back. Even harder to reach that point when you actually both feel love is in the air. But that shouldn’t be impossible, should it? I mean, am I that impossible? Why, because I talk to much, think to much, would not ever give in to the argument “I’m a man, I know better!”?

Too many questions all of the sudden. If I take a moment to think about what happened between last year’s birthday and this year’s, I know my life is improving somehow. I got out of a very destructive relationship, which is good, yet the process of learning how to manage on my own was quite painful. Then I changed jobs, met some new people, was swept off my feet by Mr. Completely Wrong for Me, read some more books, saw a lot more movies, went out a bit, re-tied old friendships, went to the Sighisoara festival… It’s been quite a full year, but with a very changing emotional state…

Maybe the next year of my life will be better! I’ll take that long walk sometime this weekend maybe and think about everything. Maybe I’ll also pass the driver’s license exam which is due this Friday…Maybe my health problems are not that awful either…I’ll start running and I’ll pick-up my blades from where I left them at the beginning of the cold weather…I’ll still go out and try to meet interesting people and maybe, just maybe, Mr. Completely Wrong for Me will turn out to be not that wrong afterall…