I went to FJSC today to get my BAC (high-school final exam) diploma. It pretty much went better than expected. The secretary was still a “sweetheart” but at least she did not say no! Seeing this diploma again reminded me that I used to be a great student. Way better than I proved to be in the university years…Oh well, I’ll make it up for all this low-brain-activity period during me next four years spent studying tourism economics, I hope.

After getting our diplomas, Cristina and I got back to the office, took Gabi with us and went to get photos (also required by the university for the registering file). We got there, this pretty annoyed girl took out her digital camera, took our pictures, showed it to us for approval (all the pictures had turned great by the way) and told us to come back in 20 minutes.

As it was not enough time to return to the office and then come back, we decided to have an ice-cream at the McDonald’s near the Cismigiu Park. Well, my ice-cream was accompanied by a menu as I hadn’t eaten anything the whole day and it was already 3.00 PM. With our tummies full, we stopped to pick up the photos, but – surprise, surprise – their printing program had problems so they told us to try again tomorrow morning! How nice is that? Didn’t they know? Were we the first customers of the day?

Oh, well, we’ll have to take care of the pictures tomorrow…I hope the pictures will be ready by then and that nothing else happens to that computer of theirs!

I’m reading this fascinating book on the time, space, the universe…Lots of physics and I actually like it! Stephen Hawking is responsible for this book and he’s great at explaining really complicated things so that someone like me (during high-school, we were helping our Physics teacher in his poetical quests) could have a clue about what he’s actually talking about. Reading this is really fascinating and it kind of makes me regret not learning more of this Physics wonder…

I do wonder why certain “friends” of mine remember I kind of exist only when they have problems. Gaby, a coworker, once told me that you should share your happy moments with everybody and keep the sad times just for yourself. I don’t think this is completely correct, but as far as acquaintances are concerned it might turn out to be a useful attitude.

As far as friends are concerned, they should share everything and anything should go both ways. Call me to say you’re sad and lonely, but do call me once in a while to tell me you’re having a great time! I’ll help you with everything I can, but can you please remember I exist every once in a while, regardless of what’s going on in your life?

I don’t get it! I’m a pretty good judge of characters. I am never wrong about people around me. But if a certain someone comes closer to my soul, I totally go blind! I don’t want people to deserve my trust! I think people are basically good and they’re worth my attention and I do grant them my trust from the beginning (I don’t trust them with my life but I do have confidence we’ll be friends for a long time). Maybe the other way around is the best way, just like a job! You do your job, I’ll promote you; I do complete my tasks, you promote me…

I walked to work today. A cool morning, me drinking Coca-Cola, ice-cold coke even! This city is really beautiful, the people are beautiful! I just have to look outside me office window, to see the river and the trees to remember it! Or look at the Opera business centre, or spend a few moments on a bench in front of the National Opera! If I look closely I will also see the beggars, the poor, the sick, the less fortunate, in a word…But that should really remind me to cherish what I have: my youth, my happiness, the people who care about me, the people I care about, my health, my beautiful office, my great new book, the music I love, my cool black pencil, my blog…

Speaking of my blog, someone I really don’t know has a problem with my Egyptian blogosphere friends…Why you might ask. Well, I have no idea! I enjoy talking to them, arguing, making fun of stuff…And I enjoy that with any of my online friends, regardless of their country of origin…

I have an exam on the 23rd of July. After passing it, I will be a student of the Romanian-American University. Wow, me going to a private university! Who would have thought of that! I’m sure most of you don’t know that Romanian private universities were not seen as good schools a few years ago. They were associated with easy access and “paid diplomas” for lazy and rich students.

The situation changed, kind of…Some see them differently at least. It’s true, it’s easy to get in! I’ll have an English exam and I really couldn’t care less about it (then again I do practice written and spoken English on daily basis), but staying around and finishing is not always just a piece of cake.

As far as I’m concerned, state and private universities are almost the same. The major difference is how students are treated. The teachers are the same (they teach in both types of universities), the subjects are almost the same, yet students have a more rights as they pay for their schools (oh, yeah, and way better equipment in some cases). Then again, if you really want to learn something, it really doesn’t matter where you are, most of the process depends on you.

Well, starting this autumn, I’ll have the opportunity to test the real thing in what private universities are concerned and will be able to compare the two systems from a very complete perspective. Let’s wait and see!

Did I tell you how great my mom was? Well, if I didn’t…I’m telling it now: she’s the greatest mom anyone could ever have!

I spent the weekend home, re-charging my batteries with some not-that-small-town energy and she played an important part in this complicated process. We started by going out for a beer Saturday evening and partied like girls – we mainly spent some quality time together just relaxing, drinking our cold beers and not trying to find ways to solve my problems…We went to a terrace not very far from our apartment and we staid there for about to hours.

The next morning I decided not to go back to Bucharest in the afternoon and spend another night in Ploiesti. She was really happy and said we should go out to have some ice-cream. And so we did, at about 6.30 in the evening. We walked to the McDonalds down town, ate our ice-cream and after that headed to the Chestnut Boulevard (it’s called like that because there are really lots of chestnut trees planted on each side of the boulevard) which is closed during the weekends and is turned into an all-skating-all-biking area.

We took a break from all that walking on a wooden bench watching teenagers and small children running around, rollerblading or riding their bikes. Others, older, were doing more important stuff – kissing (I agree to that) or smoking (this I have a problem with…). We then walked back home (but stopped for another half an hour in the park in front of the town hall) and we arrived at about 10.30. I had big plans about finishing this book I had started reading in the morning, but I fell asleep almost instantly…

Did I mention that she cooked everything I loved and that she bought all the fruits I preferred? Yeah, that’s my mom! One of my best friends, that’s probably why I tell her everything! And that really spoils my chances of surprising her by running away and getting married...I’d probably call her on the way to the secret getting married place to ask her what she thinks about my dress or something!

“I had the lonely child’s habit of making up stories and holding conversations with imaginary persons” – George Orwell – I found this quote accidentally, while checking out someone’s profile and blog but it triggered a lot of memories from my childhood.

Well, I have to admit I didn’t know it was a habit, but I’m sure glad I am not alone! I was never a lonely child if that means not being around other children that much, but I was very lonely in the hours I spent home alone while my parents were at work and I was really lonely during the two hours nap (kindergarten) when I really couldn’t sleep. So I was talking to all these made up characters, but I never believed they were real. I was just creating someone to talk to, although I was just talking to myself out loud, mostly because even as a child I had problems shutting up for more than five minutes.

Later, I started writing. I tried poetry but realized almost instantly that it really wasn’t my cup of tea (read “I wasn’t that good” here) and that I was more attracted to novels and short stories. I started a lot of novels but only finished one (and when that was finished I decided it wasn’t good enough). What I finished were essays and sketches to be used later. But everything I ever wrote had been read by a few persons. Friends and class mates mostly, but I did get used to a certain audience for what I was saying. I always needed people to tell me what they thought of my “works” as I always felt I wasn’t writing just to please myself (this might explain the great pleasure comments give me).

Most of the feedback I had was encouraging. But if someone said what I had written was no good, I’d be very sad. Especially if that person were someone important to me. What seems so strange to me is that I never gave anything of what I wrote to my mom. I don’t know why, maybe because I was so convinced she had no time for that and would consider it crap. I was probably wrong.

My best period as a writer was in high-school (the first three years). I still remember all the nights I spent in my little “office” (my step father – may he rest in peace – transformed one of the rooms in a so called office – I had my desk and my books there, and of course a lot of posters and pictures and it was the Kayla work area) reading and writing and having a huge debate going on in my mind (Was I a genius or not?) and the radio playing…I miss those nights and the self imposed solitude I enjoyed so much. Actually these were the only times I didn’t need to talk – I was creating characters that were talking to each other.

During high-school, I always carried the book I was reading everywhere. Any train ride, any less important class, any time spent alone was a good time to read (don’t get me wrong, I did spend enormous amounts of time watching TV and with my friends, I wasn’t always reading). Back then I was a walking enigma – being one of the best students and having so much fun. I guess I owe that to my beloved brain that always required very little time to learn. I still have a book with me, most of the times, not always, but I don’t use all the time I could be using to read it. And my brain is half-dead at the moment because it hasn’t been used that much.

As I stopped writing, the only remotely resembling experience is composing posts for the blog. A very different experience, fulfilling in its own way, but I do miss my novels and my characters so much! It was the world I created and controlled, my very own playground where my rules always applied. Maybe I’ll get back to writing one day!

It seems what used to be a quiet normal life will reach the end. Misplaced my trust again, or it just looks like it. Oh, well, it really isn’t a first and, as I know myself, it surely won’t be a last! I do trust people too much…

But I will never be the only one defending a certain person. Every time I did it, I was dead wrong! Other than that, I hope I will never be in such a situation as to hurt the people who really care about me and to give satisfaction to those who always hurt me.

No matter what comes out of this situation, I’ll lend on my feet, always do! It’s others I’m worried about, C mainly, but we’ll do just fine, we always cleaned the mess we’ve made on our own…Right, C? (I will always be there by your side - Morandi, just for you)

Morandi, Love me just now. Not the best timing to listen to this song! Well, if I have to, I’ll say goodbye the moon that shines at night forever, to Mr. Completely Wrong for Me (to him I’ve already said it), to all the problems in their lives and to all the problems they’ve caused in ours…(At least we’re young and not that stupid, C! Ha!). I’ll also say good-bye to what has been a beautiful year of my life.

I called my father (my mom was in a meeting) and he acted better than I’ve ever expected him to! Thank you, really!

So what now? I don’t really know, but I was always sure someone up there really loves me, so it will all be so amazing and breathtaking!...

Ha. Dust in the wind… Right on! Isn’t it just amazing how Winamp always selects the right songs for me? The ones delivering just the message I need? Yeah, Haal, sometimes everything is connected!

I know you guys out there do have a different way of seeing things, understanding things, judging things, expressing things, so maybe one of you could make a little issue clear for me:

I know a guy who I actually dated for two very short whiles. He lied to me about certain stuff and mainly he acted like an idiot. Continuing his manly spree he is now saying he is dating these two intelligent and beautiful girls and that he’s ok for now with this very shallow situation. Then he goes on saying that he actually only wants me and will keep trying to get me at a certain point.

He says he’ll put his trust in other men. As he knows men, he’s pretty damn sure they will disappoint me enough to want him back. Now, I understand men have this distorted view on women’s depression and some of them are convinced they could do pretty desperate things in such a state. But! If someone blows his second chance, how can he even imagine a third chance, especially when the relationship was way to brief to get to serious feelings such as love?

What I got from all this is that he somehow sees “I am completely crazy and stupid” written on me or he has a too good image of himself in his mind. But as I know we gals think differently, I am pretty sure I’m not getting anything how I should…

And if someone can explain this too me, try explaining another old dilemma of mine: Why do men start wanting a certain woman long after she stopped wanting them? Why can’t they understand she wants them unless it is spelled out on a huge banner for them?

Last night, for about 5 minutes, I saw a man walking through the desert. I don’t know what was going on exactly and didn’t care that much, to be honest! What I was thinking of was that the threats of the desert really seem little without the almighty will of Shai-Hulud, without the threat of Fremens taking your water if you entered their territory, without the scent of the addictive spice…The only picture I have of the desert that used to be more powerful than any before reading Dune was that of “Desert Rose”, Sting’s video.

Funny how books you like affect your perception of certain things! I do look at the desert differently (well, think of it actually, as I have never seen it in real life…) because of Dune. Some time ago I started looking at butterflies and spiders differently because of Mircea Cartarescu’s books and I did start to find more meaning in my dreams. These are just two very recent examples.

What is even more powerful in certain books is the state they give you when a certain phrase or paragraph expresses a feeling you have experienced in such a perfect way that makes you realize someone else has felt the exact same thing. Only he/she had put it into words a lot better.

I got on a newspaper page again. Another daily, Romania Libera. I couldn’t find the article online (it all happened last Thursday), so you’ll have to take my ford for it! The author said he liked my blog. Thank you, kind sir, but you should know: There is only one perfect woman, and I am her! (This was taught to me by my friend Oana who last night complained I learnt it all to well and that I was overusing it).

Here’s the translation of the article:

"What does a marketing officer do when he/she has a little spare time? Oh, well! The answer to this question varies from one person to another, depending on each one’s character. A 23 years old marketing officer from Bucharest, Romania writes “words of a broken mirror”. She posts her thoughts (in English) using the name Kayla Vincent. I couldn’t find a common feature for all the messages posted on this blog, but I can tell you that she has just obtained her driving license, she is starting to discover the mysteries of HTML and she’s also a philosopher when she feels like it. A very interesting blog, updated daily" (almost daily actually) "and well written. As far as I’m concerned, I liked it. I’m waiting for my readers’ opinions." (Author: Cristian Curus, cristi@netzoom.ro)

One of the first things you just have to know about a person you meet is his/her star sign. Why? Oh, that’s a tough question…I just remember a friend’s look on her face when asking me: “You don’t know the sign???” I took it as a hint stating that not-knowing it was one of the world’s greatest crimes…

So it’s like this – if a relationship goes well, it must be because you're totally compatible according to the all mighty stars. If the stars say otherwise and you still are happy together, well, then it’s something really special, against all the long ago established rules – then of course you were born with a very lucky star shinning down on you.

If he/she is so great, it’s due to the star sign, if he/she is an idiot it’s again because of the star sign flaws. Therefore, I am not stubborn as my father before me (who was a Pisces), I am stubborn because I’m an Aries…And of course some relationships I had in the past went so bad because some magazines said I should stay away from other Aries, but it did last for a while because other magazines stated the exact opposite: I should start looking for them…

Now, if I agree stars do have some influence on what happens to us, which source should I choose to follow? There is almost no daily newspaper, weekly or monthly magazines without a more or less significant horoscope. You can have a business-focused forecast or one especially made for women – how you’ll do if you’re an Aries and, of course, tips on how to make an Aries fall desperately in love with you.

As far as I’m concerned, there are way too many exceptions confirming the general zodiac rules! Enough to drive you crazy actually! So, I’ll keep asking, in order to avoid committing the huge crime of not knowing someone’s star sign, but I won’t give it much thought…I believe you can find out a lot about people using a very personal horoscope (year, month, day, hour), but it is hardly the case of popular “predictions”. You really cannot expect thousands of persons doing the exact same thing in a day. If something similar happens to you, well that’s just pure coincidence!

*I have this new habit of writing posts in order to get information...But it sure is fun!!!

I had no idea buying a car meant so many headaches! First I had to talk to my parents ten times until they managed to convince me I should by a new car…Then I changed my mind a dozen times, not knowing what to pick – Matiz or Logan. I finally decided to go for a Matiz…Small cars for small people! Then I spent hours gathering credit data from all the major banks in my beautiful Romania…Only to figure out I couldn’t get the credit ever because my income wasn’t enough…So mom offered to request it…Now that that’s settled, I can get to more detailed options like car color…Red, of course! What did you expect???

I do love red things…Or love them just because they’re red: Ferrari, Fanta Cherry, Coca-Cola, McDonald’s…Or maybe they’re red to tell me: you, pick me, I am destined for you to like me! I think I just love them because of their color, as much as I would want to prove the theory about the world revolving around me…

Why do RTC Office sales advisors have to change so often? And especially when the previous one was soooo gorgeous??? Well, all my company’s female personnel will be heartbroken for about 5 seconds because of this loss…

The new one didn't leave me a business card, he was in such a hurry…So now I have the name of the old one and the phone number of the new one. Yet I placed the order through a third person at the company’s office whose detailed contact data I have. Who to call for the next order?

I used to listen to this song every day - it was duirng my Diesel Driven period, true, but it somehow reminded me of my own life...

"Young people want everything too fast, they have no patience..." I don't remember exactly where I heard this, but it felt so true...

What’s with me always feeling near the seaside? And to top that, my room-mate has the same feeling…It’s like we’re about to end up on the beach in the next five minutes…Guess we really need a break – a weekend getaway or something…

I’m supposed to meet some ex-coworkers tonight…I haven’t seen them in months and we decided it’s was time to get together. Although I am happy to see them, the moment isn’t really appropriate as I do have a lot on my mind right now.

My father is bugging me about buying a new car, not a second hand one. I know he wants the best for me but I really am not a big fan of long term credits. He’s really funny dealing with his computer – yesterday I spent 20 minutes explaining how to load a list in Winamp. Luckily for me, he’s pretty smart and he got the hang of it in no time!

We are a quite strange family- my mom, my dad, his wife and me…Everybody thinks our relationship is weird because they know everything that’s going on in my life. As most of my friends are forced to hide almost everything, I can understand why this relationship might sound strange. I think I should thank God my parents are open-minded enough to hear every little problem I have…And they do give me the best pieces of advice!

I guess right now I’d really need to talk to them and yeah, some of that advice as well…

Looking over the last post and couldn’t help an ironic smile…Mircea Cartarescu said that those who describe certain feelings, persons, experiences with way too many details are those who have experienced them the least. Well, I did experience music, but mostly on my own…There, I admit it!

Right now I’m listening to a very passionate tango…I’m addicted to it, to be honest! I would tell you the name and the singer, but I don’t know them. What is amazing about this song is the feeling it brings – this sudden need for the world’s most passionate love story…

Forget about the fear of getting hurt, forget about rules and about what people say, young girl! Just let your spirit fly with the music and if you are lucky enough to find someone to share this experience with you, say “Thank you, God, thank you for this sublime moment!” Then close your eyes, feel the stars, feel the chilly dark air and space dust that smells like nothingness and think you’re just like the stars, incandescent…

A red rose showing its beauty and its thorns, bruising and allowing its soul to be bruised…But don’t think about bruises and scars, those will come when the music in your heart is over! As long as the music will give you sanctuary, nothing can harm you…

If you let go of the music, then you will experience the deepest and cruelest wound there is, just as if your thorns would suddenly turn against you to open the gate for the pain in your heart…If music leaves you, no other lover living you or who has left you before will ever be able to cause such harm…

A red dress, drawing a picture of each move of the body…Powerful, yet full of grace…

I guess this feeling should be experienced by those who state we should build barriers against love...How was it?

"It is not your job to seek for love. It is your job to seek within yourself all the barriers against its coming."~ Marianne Williamson

This is one theory - mine is the one overpassionately expressed in the description of one really addictive song (Rodrigo Leao, Pasion).

Which one would you prefer???

There are so many ads in the subway that they can drive you crazy! Every bit of space is used, nothing is neglected! The most recent space to advertise is the actual metro access card!!! You might ask why this spree bothers me...Well, it’s not the ads! I always loved advertisements, the good ones, at least…The problem is this: if they get that much money from advertising, if they even use the metro cards, why are they about to increase the price of the above mentioned cards?

Other than that, what struck me last night was an idiot's comment before a boxing “fight of the century” featuring Mike Tyson! All the reporter could say about Tyson before the fight was that he spent his zillions of dollars on parties, jewelry and women…His boxing history was of course irrelevant…

A (cyber)friend of mine, Calliani, challenged me to think of what I would want to be in an alleged next life. Well, I thought about it, and this is what conclusions I reached…I would like a to be a professional dancer and a choreographer, all this assuming of course that I would be talented enough to support myself by having an entertainer’s career..

It only takes one time on stage to get addicted to it. Once you’ve danced and then listened to the applause, no matter how young you are, that particular feeling will get stuck to the deepest side of your soul. I started taking dancing (ballet mostly) classes when I was five and it lasted until I was eleven. Six beautiful years of my life with two or three large shows masterminded by our teacher Marilena Eftimie (one of the persons I admire most, she still gives ballet classes at the moment and I guess only death will stop her, never her age).

I stopped going to the ballet classes in the fifth grade because I had no time for it anymore, but the need to be on stage once in a while still haunted me. So in high-school I started attending theatre classes at the Equinox Theatre. Only when dancing and when practicing on that small stage I felt so free, so open-minded, always thinking I could do anything…But theatre was never as close to my soul as dancing and I had the chance to prove it.

In my last year of high-school, the administration organized a party before Christmas. Every class had to create something, it didn’t matter what, as long as it was artistic and then compete against eachother. So I staged a little moment of glory for my self. I talked to colleagues of mine, three of them decided to join me, so I started. I chose the music - mixed parts from the Gladiator soundtrack and the first 10 seconds of HIM’s Join me in Death as a beginning and an end. I also chose some quotes that I had found during the years and recorded them but as our devices were nor that good, it was pretty hard to understand what that voice was saying and I don’t think anyone bothered. As it was a story of souls being trapped in an underworld setting after death, we would be dressed in black and I spent hours in front of the mirror trying to think of a black/white/silver make-up for the girls (we were three girls and a boy, the only boy in my class, actually).

After some debating we decided we would only use candle light, but as the hall for the party was larger than expected we needed more lightning. Luckily, the hall had some smaller chandeliers on each side which turned out to be very appropriate for the moment. The choreography was probably the best I ever thought of and of course we won. I actually was awarded a special creativity prize because it was the most elaborated and complicated moment of the evening. You cannot imagine how deliriously happy I was when we finished the dance! We didn’t know the results, but it went so well that we were sure we would win and we were just laughing and hugging each other and we, the girls, even cried because we had been really tensed (putting on the make up took an hour and a half and the guy was late) and then all the tension turned into happiness…
It all felt so good that I wouldn’t mind doing that for a lifetime!

Please help me, I am lost…

Does anyone have any idea what I should change in the HTML code to prevent my sidebar from getting to the bottom of the page?

Thank you all!

I completed the HTML tutorial (basic, advanced and quiz) on the w3schools site. Although W3 says “The best things in life are free”, well, their tutorial would need some improvements on some topics. Same old story – simple issues are over explained, while other more difficult ones stop at only giving a non-detailed example…But I’m getting the hang of it anyway. I also have plans to practice everything throughout this weekend and try building a site (which of course has to be perfect, although I’m using HTML only, no Java, no CSS, no Flash, nothing…).

I was talking to Viorel today and he said he would really like to see me somehow changed after meeting a Prince Charming. Well, I am planning not to do the same mistake twice! I won’t let anyone change me again. If love, in order to last, needs you to become someone else than who you really are, then it’s not true love. So, sorry Viorel, you won’t see me changed!

Of course, by change he means me starting to cook! He even offered to buy me a book on that subject! Well, I still wouldn’t like it, but – I have to admit it – I would like to make coffee, put it on a nice little plate, with cookies and all, and drink it with him…And maybe occasional (read “once in a long while” here) spaghetti or something as easy to cook. But that’s how far it goes!

Moreover, I really don’t see how I would be in the mood to cook after 10-12 hours of work and some extra stuff to do at home. Besides, the idea of a housewife has never had anything in common with my personality…

I don’t have the needed mood to comment properly on this book right now…I guess I have to be pretty calm to do so! The main feeling I have about this book is that this negative approach regarding life, religion, love and everything ever seen on the face of Earth really troubled me. I needed to reply somehow, to prove nothing is true, but then again it is a point of view, a philosophical approach of a very disappointed person.

A lot of anger in almost every word of this book. A wonder what could trigger such an attitude. Disease, suffering? Maybe…But I think there must be something very wrong in a person’s soul to turn out so unable of having a good feeling about at least a minor detail of life.

“By taking the stairs of pain you do not ascend, you descend. They are not stairways to heaven, the are stairways to hell”(The translations is made by yours truly, so please bear with it) – true to some extent. But then again any way, any path can take you both ways, you can end up in heaven or in hell. It all depends on your attitude towards anything that might come your way. Pain, suffering, these are often more powerful than happiness and will take you closer to hell than any other human feeling. It all depends on your power to choose not to descend…

“Only those who never think about anything can be happy, those who think only what is needed for living their life” – I have to disagree again! The idea that knowledge is often a curse is not new. Truth hurts, but always less than a lie could. The need for knowledge can bring pain, but it doesn’t kill the ability to be happy. Being able of experiencing happiness in a world defined as cruel, unjust, miserable, is a test for the strength of your spirit.

In what disease is concerned, I really don’t understand how it can kill happiness. The longer the period of this disease is, the greater the joy when it’s finishes, even if the end of pain is a temporary state.

As far as the opinion on women goes, the question haunting me while reading the book was “Were you completely blind when you were around women???” This misogynic idea that women were only created to comfort men when they get tired of their deep, metaphysical, core of the universe quests, leaves me speechless. It seems so wrong I wouldn’t know where to start to prove this vision of less-than-human-female-object has nothing to do with reality.

I just realized tomorrow is the 9th of June. Used to be a day of ultimate importance and now…Just another day! Just like hundreds of other days that pass. I ask one thing – to be able to fully live each one that passes.

I had to learn a hard lesson in the year and a half that passed… To deal with everything on my own, to say no without fear to any relationship that does not satisfy my needs, to make peace with my past and with the mistakes I made, which were many…

I didn’t realize how much I accomplished during all this time. Oana had to point it out for me to see it, as she had to so many times in the past and I thank her for that. The biggest accomplishment of them all: I’m done with being a depressive self-pitying person, I’m back to who I used to be, to my true self, happy, optimistic, competitive, ironic and sarcastic as hell at times, me, me, me! The person I used to miss so much every single day…

Why the above lyrics? Because they describe a passionate and strong love, because I like the song, because I wouldn’t mind doing all those things for someone who would be worth it (then again that someone wouldn’t need me to wait for him in the pouring rain unless he’d be late and I’d have forgotten my umbrella), because I know I will be loved, eventually…

And if I won’t, then I’ll just have to kill Paulo Coelho for saying this:

“If we are capable of loving, we will also be capable of being loved. It is only a matter of time”

Well, I’ll give it a couple of years! If nothing happens, prepare for Killer Kayla (I did take Karate lessons, you know!)!

My blog got to be mentioned in a daily newspaper, one that reaches the whole country. Wohoo! (Here’s the link to the article, but it’s in Romanian). The article is not at all about my site, I’m just quoted by George and presented as author of this blog, but still, I am in the news! :))

Other great news: I reached 1,000 site visits in two months, not a year as I expected!

I promised Haal and Mohamed an extended post on religion and my approach to it. I did promise it in a more fruitful period of my life in what reading is concerned. I am planning to take this seriously, as I changed my mind about what to write about. I was going to write a quite general essay, but after seeing the comments on Haal’s blog, I decided I couldn’t say it all in one rant. So it will take longer

Little note to myself:
Books I really need to reed:
The Bible
The Qur’an
The Sunnah
Eliade’s History of Indian Philosophy

Books I really need to finish:
Eliade’s History of Religious Ideas

So mainly this post will be about some thoughts that accidentally crossed my mind concerning this subject, ideas which will be elaborated later on.

“In the name of Allah, the Compassionate, the Merciful”

This quote caught me eye the moment I saw it. “The Compassionate, the Merciful”, this reminded me of how Christians describe God.

I noticed we do expect God to be merciful, although we fear his punishment. Is it because we know we deserve it? Is it because the idea of an almighty being leads to the idea of an almighty punishment that no one has any control over it?

If God is Compassionate and Merciful, no matter how we chose to call him, how come Muslims, Christians and Jews believe their way is the only way to heaven? Would this merciful God we praise really doom someone merely because he was born in the wrong culture?

I think religion is not always a matter of individual choice. If you are born in a certain country that has a certain culture and a certain religion (I mean the religion practiced be the majority), the chances of changing that religion when you grow up are quite a few. If you are brought up within one religion, you get to thinking no other belief could suit you better. You inherit the representation of God your family has and whenever you compare it with other representations you tend to feel, not necessarily to think, but to feel they are wrong, or better said unnatural in a way.

So, the perfect believer, no matter the religion, who does everything the right way, will be doomed because he just happened to choose the wrong way to approach God…Something about this feels quite wrong…

Will develop later, I promise…

Yesterday evening Oana, Gabi and I were supposed to go visit Bookarest (a book fair that takes place every year in Bucharest). It was the last day and we didn’t want to miss a thing. We got there long after the fair had ended (pretty smart of us!!!) and one of the great things we missed, besides a lot of cheaper books, was the launch of Mircea Cartarescu’s second diary. I loved the first, actually I loved everything I read and was written by him, and Oana was the big fan who lent me “Nostalgia”, thus explaining our sad faces and the strong feeling of guilt…

Oana was keened on seeing the CowParade (lots of plastic or something cows spread around Bucharest), as there were about five of them cows exposed at the “La Motoare” terrace (four floors up from the book fair). Although I had a pretty negative attitude towards those colorful cows (“If you want to see cows, just go on the hostel’s hallway and you’ll see a wide range of cows, no problem!” – I said this in a very bitchy moment), we went, we saw, not very impressive, and we stopped to have a beer.

This is when the surprise event occurred. An about 30 minutes Pavel Stratan (link for Romanian speaking bloggers only, here. Sorry!) live concert!!! That man is a lot hotter live than on TV! But he’s married and has a little girl, so…Anyway, I just loved it! And to top the orgasmic experience of my ears, he was looking right at me (not because of some particular feature of mine, but because I was in the way…)!!!

Oh, yeah, and I didn’t win the lottery…I’m not playing anymore!

You dump guy because he damn well deserves it but you still love him. He calls all the time saying he was an idiot, he still loves you and wants you back. He writes poems to you, he shows you his diary in which he states he still can’t believe he won’t ever kiss you. He burns this exquisite CD with love songs, pictures of you two as a cover and small moving comments to complete each song name. Should you take him back???

Well, all the stuff I described actually happened to me (I found the poems and the CDS this weekend) and – believe it or not – the correct answer was: NO WAY! Of course I did the opposite…

I guess this is the story of my life – falling in love with men who are completely wrong for me…At least I found an explanation for Mr. Completely Wrong for Me!! Woohoo! Happy, happy, joy, joy!

I do wish everything around me (on the street, broadcasted by TV stations and played on the radio, written in books or seen on the blogosphere) wouldn’t be a perfect reminder! Don’t you just love signs? Don’t you simply adore their way of being completely contradictory? Well, I do!

The idea for this post was given by Mohamed’s conclusion about women: they are definitely crazy!

And I thought that, as everything revolves around us anyway (“I want to be the greatest programmer ever, have lots of money, start my own company, bla-bla, to then get married to a much younger woman, deadly beautiful to show off to my accomplished businessman-friends”), I should take the time to look further into this issue. Some see us as sex toys whose only purpose is to sometimes distract men from their great metaphysic experiences, “lovable nullities”, as Emil Cioran called us (this would explain why I refused to read his books until my first year at the University I guess), others see us as what we really are – creatures with their own qualities and flaws. Yet everybody complains we are totally deranged, irremediably insane, crazy beyond doubt, thus no man can understand us.

So, these are some habits considered to be weird, unnatural, crazy, abnormal….

Women are happy when they see another woman that looks worse then them, and completely depressive when they see one who looks better.

They are convinced beyond doubt men pay attention to all the details, just like they do, thus creating elaborated tragedies that start with the way a simple sentence could be interpreted.

They spend more time checking out girls than they spend checking out guys.

They hate men for being mesmerized by boobs and nice looking asses or long legs, although they are Vin Diesel (you can replace my little obsession here with yours at any time!) fans and it’s not for his brains.

They’d do really painful stuff to their BFs for glancing at another woman, but it’s perfectly OK for them (then again, we can tell when men are doing the checking out thingy, but they can’t).

They blame the bitchy, ironic, moody attitude on the PMS, but this mood manifests itself every other day, so…

Hot wax poured on your skin is considered torture by everybody, but we still do it.

They are better at noticing hot men when they’re depressive and dieting and see ugly men only when they’re happy with themselves.

This list could go on forever, probably reaching more interesting parts like – women say they’d marry a decent man but always fall for the bad guy (if he’s incapable of love, even better). But as I was writing it I realized I could find one weird thing about men for every one of them…The only one I will mention is a personal favorite (yeah, women get more attention this time):

They see Johnny Bravo get kicked by chicks and still they want to look like him! (No, we don’t like skinny looking legs and huge biceps! We do check out your butt and we don’t think the upper part of your body is the only one that matters!)

So my conclusion is we are all crazy! God help us all….

After finishing my exams and after finally having my driving license in my pocket (Yes, I finally got the damn thing and the picture is not that bad, unlike the one on my ID card which shows a pretty sadistic slayer), I finally have time for stuff I used to do. Like reading Haal’s blog. While doing this, I had this feeling I always have when seeing a text that contains words in a language I don’t understand – a kind of frustration, anger (all directed to me), but just a bit. I hate not knowing all the languages on this planet, I hate not being able to understand everything someone says…So maybe I should dedicate more of my time to learning foreign languages and other useful things like HTML instead of wasting it!!!

I was planning on writing this very funny post on love and relationships, but I kind of fell out of the needed mood. The reason? Making plans to buy a car, second-hand, of course, I’m a student people, what would you expect? :) So I will postpone this post, the one on religion I promised to Haal a long time ago and probably several other posts I planned while walking on the streets of Bucharest or Ploiesti.

I’m in a “big plans” period, practically programming the next years of my life. Which might seem quite silly, considering the fact that everything might change radically because of a wide range of reasons. But at least this planning thing gives me the illusion of stability, of self-sufficiency and helps me keep my thoughts far from my solitude.

I do wander, why do we need a significant other that bad? I mean, at certain times, friends and family should really be enough! I took all the exams, I took my driving license, the fee for my first year at the second faculty was taken care of, I started learning new things and I love it, I have a pretty nice job, still have time to read, still have time to see my friends and still there’s something (someone, actually) missing from the picture. And I hate that! I know it’s probably normal, but it makes me feel weak. Someone to love and to love me back after some time together would be ok, but why do I have to want it that bad? Look where it got me the last time: compromises after compromises, pain, suffering, a complete alteration of my personality…

I’m not depressed or anything. I’m actually really enjoying myself! It’s weird how I can think of very good and very bad things at the same time…

It’s raining outside and it looks like it will keep raining for a long time. Pretty bad weather if you think kids should celebrate themselves today by doing what they like best, which is playing…Oh, you would like to run like crazy till you can hardly breathe? Sorry, no can do! This weather makes me think people in my hometown were right to organize all the parties and contests on Sunday when it was nice and sunny.

To show off my newly acquired HTML skills, you can all see the links on my blog open in a new window and this really is my doing! Actually, I’m so proud of what I learned that my dreams are suddenly run by HTML!! I spent half of last night dreaming about the nice looking sites I created and all the complicated links I mastered…I wonder, if I eventually start learning Spanish, would my dreams be filled with hot Latino men???